Beth McMillan

What you are about to read comes from the bizarre mind of one of the most dignified and well respected friends I have. She's astute, creative, and a grand teller of Medieval stories in the historical reenactment society through which I met her. The following piece constitutes quite the commentary on one of the more modern aspects of living.

Julia Crook, V.P. Marketing
SodaHex Institutional Pseudo Foods Inc.
Enzyme Complex, Nutra Suite
Spam Francrisco, CA 911-500
Mr. Mark Cacciatorre
Purchasing Agent, Spy
Entry to Care Motel-Diner

Dear Sir or Madame:

  Thank you for your interest in our fine line of Au Natural Imitation Ingestibles. Enclosed please find the 1995 product list for our two most popular categories:

Economy Select Fake Foods:
  • Hot Entrees* $18.95/12 Doz.
  • Beige Stuff and Things
  • Off-White Stuff and Things
  • Things and Goo (Choice of Beige, Off-White, or Orange Goo)

  • Cold Entrees* $17.95/12 Doz
  • Stuff and Beige Things
  • Stuff and Off-White Things
  • Mostly Green Stuff
*Note- for safety reasons both Hot and Cold Entrees should be served luke-warm.)

Ultra Deluxe Counterfeit Cuisine: $29.95/12 Doz.
  • Stuffed Things in Goo
  • Chacun A Son Gue (Things in Goo, with European Flavorings.)
  • Things Stuffed with Goo
  • Bucolic Blintzes
  • Blintzes Noir dans Gue (Black Blintzes in Goo, with European Flavorings.)
  • Moo Goo Guy Spam
  • Tofu Croquettes
  It should be noted that all our products are sold by the Gross. All are made of the highest quality artificial ingredients* and none contain any organic material whatsoever. They are therefore suitable for vegetarian, kosher, and nutritionally-restricted diets.

Cordially Yours For Quality Quasi-Cuisine,
Julia Crook

*See attached ingredients disclosure and haz-mat sheet.

SodaHex Institutional Pseudo Foods Inc.
Ingredient Disclosure and Haz-Mat Sheet

  Most imitation ingestibles produced in our drive-thru plants contain one or more of the following ingredients in random combinations:

Ingredient (Haz-Mat Cautions)
  • Pseudo Food, Supplies and Things (Transport only at Trans-Warp speeds)
  • Dried Stuff, Dehydrated Things (May cause thirst)
  • Partially Rehydrated Things (Stains porcelain)
  • Concentrated Goo Paste (May dissolve tin and aluminum utensils and tableware)
  • Powdered Goo (May cause itching or watering eyes)
  • Goo Flakes (No known hazards)
  • Imitation and Artificial Preservatives (Can cause psycotropic effects when combined with Pepsi)
  • Reconstituted Water (May cause drowning. Fish-attractant)
  • Chemically Inert Vitamin Extracts (Causes irrational behavior when combined with coffee)
  • The Dentures of a Debentured Aardvark (May cause Dave Barry to sue for plagiarism)
  • Abyssinian Malt Concentrates (Explosive if heated)
  • Denatured Natural Colors and Flavorings (Unpredictably inflammable)
  • Soy-Stuff (May cause unintended/uncontrollable weight loss)
  • Thing-Cultures (May continue growth after ingestion)
  • Monosodium Goo-Goo-Mate (Used exclusively in our line of premium baby foods)
  • Gruel Mix (Implicated in appetite loss)
  • Sludge Compounds (Insoluble at cool temperatures)
  • Oddly Shaped Petroleum Distillates (Occasionally leads to hysteria and spontaneous combustion)
  • Many Parts of Pine Trees (See: Neo-Proto Plant Fiber)
  • Anthropomorphic Glutinins (May cause tongue to stick to roof of mouth)
  • Gelatinous Cubes (May cause seizures in D&D players)
  • Neo-Proto Plant Fiber (Refer to Compost Haz-Mat Sheet)
  • 7 Rare Minerals & Radioactive Isotopes (May cause genetic mutation in isolated individuals)
  • Granulated White (Hyperactivity in gerbils and small children)
  • Yellow Mold (Refer to: Deadly Attack Mushroom Haz-Mat Sheet)
  • Red Alert (Exacerbates hair loss in adult males of French descent)
  • Partially Distilled Olde-Worlde By-Products (See NATO-SPEC: R-212 )
  • Additional European Flavorings (May lead to adoption of an Absurd Fraunche Acksont)
  In the unlikely event that one of your customers experiences an adverse reaction to any one or more of these ingredients, the management and staff of SodaHex (including our chemists, alchemists, miners, mechanics, plant operators, astrologers, accountants, medical consultants, junior officers, vegetable trainers, goo-analysts, sludge handlers, lawn care specialists, and janitors) disclaim all liability beyond replacement of the ingested portion of the meal, with a product of equal or similar value. Consult Poison Control Hotlines for referral to local Gastroenterologists. All meals are packaged by weight, not volume. Some settling (or unsettling) of contents may occur during shipping and handling. Shaking the packages to 'fluff them up' is undertaken solely at the consumer's risk. Some States prohibit shipping of our "Blue Plate Specials"; consult local postal-codes to determine if these products are available in your area.

This piece was posted here in November 2004.

All poetry and other artistic writings are their authors and reproduced here with their permission.

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