They say teenagers think they're gonna live forever. I was maybe 26 or -7 when I realized I was surprised to have lived so long. Not because I ever thought that was old, but because I had always expected that something or I would have done me in by then.
It was when I got there that, for the first time in my life, I felt how young I really was. At 30, that still hasn't worn off yet, though the shock of my survival has. Now I just feel new. I'm in love with café windows and green and my evolving future - the one I didn't know I had and still can't imagine. Love is good for people, and there may yet be some for me. In the throes of my disability, I sometimes get angry with my body for being in pain and frustrated with it for being weak. But I respect it for how good it's been to me despite what it cannot help. I hate the assumptions of men as a privileged class, but I love men as people with me. They're beautiful as people. And I love women. Even when I enjoy my solitude most. And always when I want to be more than myself alone.
I live in great wealth. I'm surrounded by it, and with all my basic needs met. Who cares if my own pockets are so light. So much more than before is my heart these days, too. And that has made all the difference.
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