Asperger's / Autism Toolbox
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Adjustment Period, Phase Three
A Post by Monkey Plierson December 13, 2012
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Asperger's / Autism ToolboxH EO M Adjustment Period, Phase ThreeA Post by Monkey Plierson December 13, 2012 View Blog Listings |
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I began my adjustment to the idea of having Asperger's syndrome in the late spring or early summer of 2011. Back then, as I digested information, figured things out, and pursued the assessment process, it was all about vindication, I guess. When I got my diagnosis, in July of 2012, that vindication came at last. It's true, as it turned out, that there have been things in my life that I couldn't help - that I may never be capable of or that may always be a struggle for me. It's not my fault. These things are not the result of some moral failing on my part. It's not that I haven't tried hard enough or long enough. After that, I discovered, the next step was grieving. I felt a loss when it occurred to me what it meant that there were things I couldn't help. If the problem wasn't that I hadn't tried hard enough, it meant that there would never be any such thing as trying hard enough. I would just have to live with the way things are, even if I kept working on the things I could change. I'm now finding I've entered a new stage. The attitude I was exposed to as a child, and as a young adult, that there's no excuse for not doing what's expected of me, is returning full force. What do I mean, I can't do a thing? Of course I can! Asperger's is no excuse! There's no reason I can't do anything I really set my mind to. How dare I try to get away with my lack of effort. Poor attitude - that's the trouble. Any problem I have with not getting things done, and done well, can be fixed with the proper application of a crow bar. If I'm not accomplishing things, it's because not enough force and, if necessary, inducing of stark fear, have been used to properly motivate me. For various reasons, including a comment made to me some time ago, by a longtime friend about a previously known disability of mine, I'd worried since I began looking into possibly being on the autism spectrum that others would subject me to this sort of lecturing - and now I've discovered I'm doing it to myself. This is hard for me. I find myself looking around for some kind of inner drill instructor or forced labor camp guard to rob me of all alternatives and force me into compliance. No, I don't normally get excited over the fantasy of being forced into anything. No, I don't generally have some great love of, and trust in, authority or conformity. But I have moments of thinking some kind of violence that I would find completely unacceptable, were it applied to someone else, would be the best thing for me, in order to compel compliance, so that I no longer disappoint, embarrass, or annoy anyone, ever again. Nevermind that I'd have far too much compassion to want to see anyone else treated this way, by themselves or by others. Nevermind that I'd hate to have someone else treat me this way. I somehow can't get over myself about this just yet. I like to present a healthy attitude in my blog, in order to set a good example and provide hope. But I don't think I can do that without being honest about myself and my feelings, even when my emotions seem toxic. One rule of bullying is that, if you're of a mind that you deserve to be hurt in some way, especially by viciously being put down, there'll be someone, somewhere, that'll gladly help it to happen. (Not that only self-defeating people get bullied, of course, but it doesn't help things.) I've been lucky in recent years. I know from my own personal history that I really wouldn't want to be abused by others. I'm generally careful about what I admit to and when these days, and I tend to surround myself with pretty good people. But I truly believe that copping to these difficult feelings is necessary within the context of my blog. Others who may feel this way need to know they're not alone. When I work this out, people need to know what it was that I overcame and how difficult it was to do it. They need to know if there's an ongoing struggle, so they don't feel weak or strange for having to revisit the process of overcoming it, no matter how many times it takes - even if it's over the course of a lifetime. How long will this take me? How hard will it be? How often will I revisit it? I don't know. I only know it's right to rise to the struggle. I like to think I'm a kind, compassionate person, not a cruel one. But I'm not without cruelty if I can be cruel to myself. I've got to face this. I've got to rediscover gentleness, forgiveness, and all the other things I care about when I'm living out my values in other aspects of my life. It's no good to have this break in consistency and to ignore what it means. I'd never be so hard on someone else. I need to find balance to maintain my integrity. That means I have to find a way to not be so hard on myself and to give up my fear that I'm being lazy and giving in without a fight to something I should be honor bound to resist. To maintain my integrity, I have to be able to know I'm making an effort with regard to the right things, not just punishing myself for the sake of being able to make the claim that I've pushed myself about something - anything - doesn't really matter what. I need to put personal capability and worth ahead of blanket societal expectation, even as I realize that sometimes society's expectation and my own can reasonably and rightfully match or be in accord. Some things are right because they're right, and society simply happens to have correctly clued in. And, in some cases, my expectations are higher than society's for good reason, because I think society has failed to care enough to bother with certain ideals. Responsibility is a complex matter. I have a lot of work to do before I'll have figured out how to implement my moral judgment of myself in a way that's reasonable and sound with regard to this new understanding of myself and my limitations. My preceding words sound very noble. At the moment, however, it seems to me more fitting to receive a smack across the face and a boot in the seat of the pants, among other things. One could easily assume that's because I secretly know my diagnosis is a sham, and I'm really just a bum who lucked out in finding a good way to scam everyone, but that my conscience is now bothering me about it. In fact, my conscience actually does bother me pretty frequently, about all kinds of things to which other people probably wouldn't give a second thought. I'm going to have a long way to go in order to deal with the many ways in which I worry that I've made various kinds of missteps. I guess you could say my conscience is a bit overblown, just like my emotions in general. I'm capable of judging myself often, hard, and harshly. I think this isn't an unusual inclination for an Aspie, based on what I've been hearing from others. It seems to go with the territory of having spent a lot of time being judged by others over a lot of confusing rules and customs and not always being able to tell if the rules were simply different for us because we were somehow considered bad people, in need of a shorter leash than most. I'm now looking ahead to the long, uphill battle of doing what I can to make right this part of my being. I'm feeling unsteady and uncertain as I go. But go I must. I can't seem to change my attitude by simply demanding it of myself, any more than I can stop having my shortcomings simply by telling myself to. But I feel an obligation to rise to this challenge, whatever it takes - at least for the sake of fairness, if nothing else.
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