Asperger's / Autism Toolbox
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People in Mirror May Be More Autistic Than They Appear
A Post by Monkey Plierson January 23, 2013
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Asperger's / Autism ToolboxH EO M People in Mirror May Be More Autistic Than They AppearA Post by Monkey Plierson January 23, 2013 View Blog Listings |
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If you drive a car, perhaps you've noticed the warning on the side-view mirror that informs you: "OBJECTS IN MIRROR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR" Gary Larson took advantage of this, to humorous effect, in one of his "Far Side" cartoons, in which he depicted someone seeing the gigantic eye of a monster filling their mirror. I still smile over that one sometimes, as I glance at my own mirror while I drive. If you tend to expect others to be mirror images of you, thinking, feeling, and acting as you would, unless you're given reason to believe otherwise, you may be in for some surprises as you get to know people better - especially those who have hidden disabilities. I'm far from the first to confess that it can take a great deal of work to present myself in a manner that meets with the usual societal expectations. I certainly won't be the last to point out that, especially if I'm really being successful, the nature and degree of my effort generally goes unnoticed by others. The goal, after all, is to make it look easy. In fact, because I developed a lot of my techniques on my own, without having a clue as to why it was so difficult, even I wasn't fully aware of what I was doing until recently. I've come a long way, and it's only been since last summer's diagnosis of Asperger's syndrome that I've realized just what I've accomplished - and what it's cost me. I do pretty well, but dealing with this is why I feel drained, unsettled, irritated, stunned, confused, self-critical, and/or various other things after having been in many different social settings. Lots of things can make it better for me, and all kinds of things can make it worse. Unless I'm being pretty open about myself, which usually means being comfortable enough in the setting and with the people around me, what you see when you spot me in your vicinity may seem indistinguishable from what you see when you look at everyone else. Even when you interact with me, you may not notice a thing. If you do, it may seem subtle, and you may not be able to tell what it is. I won't show you my struggle unless I feel okay doing so, think it's necessary to reveal it because of something about the immediate circumstances, or get so overwhelmed that I can't help letting the evidence seep out. In fact, I've often enough squashed myself pretty hard to keep it all in. I don't need to feel as though I've interrupted other people's smooth experience of things by engaging in what they may perceive as weird and uncalled for "antics". I don't enjoy being thought of as "childish". I'm not trying to put off or annoy anyone. I've carefully surrounded myself with good people over the years, just as I've also gotten better at functioning amongst them. I truly believe I've generated enough goodwill and respect to be able to risk being more myself around them, and the proof is in the fact that they still accept and respect me as I am. I value this more than I can express, though I'll admit the degree to which I still keep certain things to myself makes it harder for them to know anyway. My current efforts to understand myself in light of this relatively new information about me are also increasing the degree of my self-acceptance and willingness to be bold enough to be myself more publicly. I'm working to let it sink in that the attitudes of judgmental people are not the last word on what's acceptable behavior from me in polite company. But this work is often just as hard as the masking I've made my habit for so long. My journey is still new, and I find myself going in something of a spiral as I revisit old issues from new perspectives. I keep moving forward but passing old signposts as I go. I look to others whose progress is more advanced than mine and find courage in their stories. In one way or another, many have been where I am now. They understand what it's like to be revealed to themselves and to see someone quite different in the mirror from the individual they'd previously thought was looking back at them. There's so much to do, and sometimes I feel overwhelmed at the thought of it. But I can do this. Others have done it before me. I'm autistic. This is not an invention, an affectation, an excuse, or a minor issue. If this disturbs you, I highly recommend cuddling a soft, warm blanket to comfort yourself. It really works. When you feel better (or if you still need your blanket in order to feel safe but are at least ready to talk) come find me. If need be, I'll try to explain things for you as best I can. Otherwise, we can just hang out, and you can see from your own observations that things will be okay. I may not be what you expected. But if you want to spend all day looking in the mirror, why go out? Whenever you have trouble dealing with other people, do what I do, even though your reasons for it may be different from mine. Stay home. Be alone. If, on the other hand, you want to be with others, stop imagining that reflective piece of glass as providing a true representation of what lies beyond you and start looking at the person who's actually in front of you. In the end, the real surprise may be that you discover you're glad you did.
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